Chapter 24 — The Work After the Apology
Bryce discovered that an apology could be completed in an afternoon, while the work following it could consume a year.
He attended the counseling sessions required by his diversion agreement. At first he arrived determined to give answers that sounded mature. He knew how to speak about self-control. His training had given him an impressive vocabulary for it. But the counselor, a woman named Dr. Aisha Patel, asked him questions that did not respond to rehearsed speeches.
“What did you feel when Mr. Briggs turned away?”
“Disrespected.”
“What did you feel underneath that?”
Bryce had no answer.
“What did you think people were seeing?”
“A guy who couldn’t get an old man to listen to him.”
“And what would that mean about you?”
He looked at her, irritated by how slowly she was making him move through a memory he wanted to escape.
“That I wasn’t anybody.”
It was the first time he had said those words aloud.
Over the next several weeks, he noticed how often the same fear appeared in smaller situations. A driver cut him off in traffic, and he imagined people judging him if he did not honk. A man bumped his shoulder in a crowded store, and Bryce felt his body tighten before his mind caught up. A teenager at the gym criticized one of his old fights, and Bryce had to resist the impulse to demonstrate how little the teenager knew.
None of these moments required violence. They required him to tolerate feeling small for a few seconds without trying to make somebody else smaller.
He found that unexpectedly difficult.
Marisol did not restore his coaching role immediately. She allowed him to help maintain the gym, then to assist with the adult beginner sessions under supervision after his medical clearance and after consulting the relevant safeguarding policies. She was frank about the limits.
“You’re doing better,” she told him. “That doesn’t mean I stop paying attention.”
“I know.”
“I’m not punishing you forever. I’m taking seriously the trust parents place in this room.”
“I know,” he repeated, and this time he meant it.
On a rainy Thursday, Luis came to training angry. Another student had made a remark about his weight, and Luis wanted to settle it during sparring. He paced by the lockers, wrapping and unwrapping his hands.
“I’ll show him,” he said when Bryce approached.
Bryce heard the old eagerness in the boy’s voice. He recognized it with a kind of dread.
“Show him what?” he asked.
“That he can’t say whatever he wants.”
“You can tell him it wasn’t okay. You can talk to Coach Marisol. But you don’t have to hit him to prove that.”
